Does a Woman’s Sexuality Matter?

You can’t talk about things relating to women without the topic of sexuality, whether you like it or not. There is so much confusion, conflict, and concern with this issue, among Christians but especially in culture. Lust, modesty, purity, and abuse are four topics that come to mind.

Think about the topic of modesty. Were you taught about it growing up? If you were, how was the subject approached? What guidelines or rules were given?

Even if you were not taught about modesty, what do you know now that you wished you would have known then?

Commonly thought to be a man’s issue, it is actually important that we discuss this. 17% of all women struggle with pornography addiction. 89% of women admit to masturbation and 76% of women aged 18-30 admitted to watching pornography at least once a month. Lust, sexuality, and everything related to it clearly is not just a man’s problem, but it affects women too!

Along with personal sexual sin, culture promotes the lavish and promiscuous lifestyles of women, while also being quick to condemn ordinary women. Think about this double standard for a moment: Society has not-very-nice names to call young women who sleep around, but a rich and beautiful Hollywood star can brag about the same lifestyle and is called a role model. The promotion of sexual fulfillment by any cost results in lifestyles that are not only sinful, but unfulfilling, harmful, or even abusive.

Clearly, our world is confused! I’m so thankful that, as a Christian, the Bible speaks to these issues and gives us clear boundaries to live by. Even in the first three chapters of Genesis, the beginning of the Bible, guidelines for marriage between a man and a woman are given. Let’s take a look at some of other boundaries Scripture gives us.

The Adulterous Woman: Proverbs

Read: Prov 2:16-19

What are the characteristics of the adulterous woman?

What is the end result of dealings with her?

Read: Proverbs 5

How does the adulterous woman “trap” others?

What are the results of a man committing adultery with her?

What commands are given to prevent this from happening?

Who do you ultimately answer for in sin?

Proverbs 7

How is the adulterous woman described?

What methods does she use to accomplish her goal?

How are those who fall into her “snare” described?

What are the consequences of sin here?

A quick look at these three passages in Proverbs gives us a clear warning against the adulterous woman (and, by the way, condemnation for the man who sins with her). The woman who takes advantage of the physical temptation towards sexual sin, using it to manipulate or entice, is not only to be avoided, but dangerous.

What’s so bad about sexual sin? Sexual sin is unique from other sins in that you sin against your own body, as well as your spouse (present or future). Several times in the texts above it is repeated that the result/consequence of sinning with the adulterous woman is death. Take a closer look at these three verses:

“To deliver you from the strange woman, from the adulteress who flatters with her words; that leaves the companion of her youth and forgets the covenant of her God; for her house sinks down to death and her tracks lead to the dead; None who go to her return again, nor do they reach the paths of life.” Prov. 2:16-19 NASB

“Her feet go down to death, her steps take hold of Sheol. She does not ponder the path of life; Her ways are unstable, she does not know it.” Prov. 5:5-6 NASB

“For many are the victims she has cast down, and numerous are all her slain. Her house is the way to Sheol, descending to the chambers of death.” Prov. 7:26-27

The path towards sexual sin (whether you are male or female) is dangerous and leads NOWHERE good. Perhaps you experience momentary pleasure, but there is NO good result. Without giving men a free pass in sexual sin, we can say clearly that women who act like and become an adulterer must be avoided! We must be careful that in our own desires, or even within our claims of “Christian liberty” that we do not imitate her.

The book of Proverbs contrasts Wisdom and Folly. Use Biblical wisdom as a woman to do what is right, and act in a way pleasing to God with your sexuality. To not do so is to be foolish—and leads to death and destruction.

Sexual Standards for everyone:

Read: 1 Corinthians 5-7

What sins was Paul responding to?

Can one be a Christian and immoral?

Why is sexual sin different from any other sin?

Several believers in the Corinthian church were engaging in extreme sexual behavior. Sexual sin is so severe that Paul said he was delivering “such a one to Satan for the destruction of his flesh” (1 Cor. 5:5 ), referring to physical judgment as a result of sin. He even warned the believers not to associate with any who claim to be Christians, but are living in sin. (1 Cor. 5:3-13) The main point of this passage is that our bodies are holy to God. Here is how our bodies are described:

“For the Lord” 1 Cor. 6:13

“Temple of the Holy Spirit” 1 Cor. 6:19

“Not your own” 1 Cor. 6:19

“Bought with a price” 1 Cor. 6:19

Like the Corinthian believers, some of us also engaged in sexual sin in our past. Praise the Lord that the Gospel covers our past sins! Look at these verses:

“such were some of you, but you were washed…” 1 Corinthians 6:11

“Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, who, you have from God…you have been bought with a price…” 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Do not let the heavy weight of past sin weigh you down. Let your position in Christ motivate you towards holiness!

While we are not chained by our past, we also must live righteously as believers. You cannot be a Christian with moral laxity. We MUST guard ourselves from this! Christian freedom does not allow for sexual sin. 1 Cor. 6:12-13 says, “All things are lawful for me, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be mastered by anything…yet the body is not for immorality, but for the Lord…” Sin is sin! Yet, sometimes Christians try to use their Christian freedom to justify their sins. a few verse later, Paul commands, “Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body.” (1 Cor. 6:18)

Consider this:

When it comes to so called ‘grey’ areas, are we fleeing from immorality? Are we truly pursuing holiness?

If we dress immodestly, are we fleeing from immorality?

If we read or take in sinful media, are we fleeing from immorality?

Finally, as we deal with a culture—and even church!—with increasingly prevalent sexual sin, we must guard against arrogance and pride. Paul mentions this twice in our passage:

“You have become arrogant and have not mourned instead…” 1 Corinthians 5:2

“Your boasting is not good…” 1 Corinthians 5:6

Instead of dealing with the sexual sin, which was extreme even for the culture at the time, the Corinthian believers were actually bragging about how permissive their church was! Our attitude as a church and as individuals must be humble and teachable when it comes to sin.

Whether you are married or single, 1 Corinthians 7 gives specific instructions about sexual purity. In a marriage, the husband and wife are able to fulfill each other sexually and this is to be a priority. (1 Corinthians 7:1-7) Singleness is discussed in 1 Corinthians 7:8-9, where it is a gift and it is good! If you are single, you still must live purely. You are joined to the Lord and can serve him completely, unlike in a marriage where the husband and wife must take care of each other. This is beautiful! Regardless of if you are married or single, when you are busy serving God it is hard to fall into sin.

Being Different

Read: Ephesians 5:3 (and context through 17)

What is the standard set for sexuality for Christians?

How are we to respond to “darkness” (sin)?

Ephesians 5:3 informs us that sexual sin must not even be named among the church. In order for this to happen, we must expose sin. Our standards of holiness must be high.

Think about your personal standard for what you allow into your life. Are you seeking holiness, or self gratification?

PRINCIPLES of PURITY from the Bible

Let’s sum up a few of the things we’ve seen so far:

• Women are condemned if they become an adulteresses and tempt men into sin (this does not condone the man’s sin for participating)

• You cannot be a Christian and live in repeated sexual sin. If you are struggling with sin, you must live in light of the Gospel and Christ who redeemed you.

• Our bodies are holy to God.

• Sex (and all aspects of sexual gratification) are only appropriate within a marriage relationship. Sex is not a “right”.

• Singles must live holy lives to God’s glory.

Modesty

So, with the Bible’s sexual ethic in mind, how do we approach the issue of modesty?

Maybe I should turn that question around to you: How does knowing God’s standard for sexuality, and knowing the worth and price of your physical body, change your view of modesty?

1 Timothy 2:9-15 is a popular passage that we go to about modesty. According to these verses, women are to dress with “proper clothing” that is “modest and discrete”, avoiding braided hair, gold and pearls, and costly garments. What on earth does this mean? Paul is talking about women who paraded their wealth using elaborate hairstyles, excessive jewelry, and flaunting expensive clothes. This flaunting is the opposite of being “modest and discrete” or “proper” for a Christian woman.

What does this look like in today’s culture? It could be drawing attention to body parts by showing them off, wearing outlandish styles for the sake of “shock factor”, or parading designer brands for attention. The point is, women can easily neglect inner godliness and biblical character for the sake of their outward appearance and image. Instead, the Christian woman must be known by good works. Modesty certainly starts in the heart, with an attitude of bringing glory and attention to God.

“Don’t cause your brother to stumble!” This phrase often is used to encourage women to cover up sexual body parts to eliminate temptation for men. While the Bible does command us to not knowingly cause someone else to be tempted to sin, it says shockingly little about covering certain body parts and instead focuses on the heart attitude. Does this mean that we can dress in as little clothing as possible? Not at all. But when we understand God’s special plan for sexuality, and with the proper heart attitude, we are going to be careful about how much skin we reveal! A man’s lust is his own sin problem to be dealt with, but because Christian women want to be known for inner character, they choose to dress in a way that would glorify God and not bring attention to themselves. This starts in our hearts!

With the Scripture’s guidelines around sex, we know that we should not dress ourselves to be a sexual object. Thankfully the Bible doesn’t only tell us what not to do, but encourages our focus to be on inner godliness.

Think about it: Should we set “rules” for modesty? Would this help or hinder our seeking of modesty?

What do I need to know about purity culture?

One of the most recent controversies regarding the Biblical sexual ethic is related to Purity Culture. This term refers to the 90’s abstinence movement; some prominent aspects of this were Joshua Harris’ book “I kissed dating goodbye” published in 1997 and the SBC’s “True Love Waits” campaign from 1993-2010 which encouraged signed commitments to purity. Harris’ book, the campaign, and other evangelical leaders promoted ideas like avoiding the typical dating scene, focus on relationships that end in marriage, wait until marriage to kiss, teen girls must dress modestly, etc.

If you’re familiar with Purity Culture, you probably have heard it used in negative terms by those who have either left Christianity or are in the process of “deconstructing”. What is it about Purity Culture that causes so many to say that they were traumatized by it?

Here are some phrases I find frequently when reading testimonies of those who have deconstructed:

“The body is the enemy, you can’t trust it.”

“Virginity is prized and marriage/sex is the reward”

“A woman’s body is dirty and shameful”

“Purity culture is designed so men can control women”

“There are different standards for women than there are for men.”

Based on these teachings, as well as the other teachings of abstinence, here is some of the  trauma that some people report from Purity Culture:

Shame from messing up

Shame over body

Anxiety and sexual dysfunction in relationships

Rape or sexual abuse being blamed on PC teachings

How should we, as believers holding to the Bible’s sexual ethic, think about Purity Culture?

There are definitely some concerning messages that have come out of this movement. One important result is a misplaced focus that isn’t necessarily always on holiness: for many, it was a list of rules that promised a certain outcome. A signed commitment to purity is great, but what does that mean two years later when a young woman is in a compromising situation? Or when a young man is dealing with guilt and shame after going too far with his fiancé? What as missing was consistent and clear discipleship from the local church that not only taught truths about purity, but modeled it, to enable young people to have a much better grasp on what it means to live a pure life.

Finally, I do think one affect of Purity Culture was misplaced and often negative focus on women—specifically with rules about modesty—and a lack of appropriate teaching about God’s design for sexuality to both genders. Some even could twist these teachings to allow for situations of abuse or taking advantage of women. These situations are a terrible misinterpretation of God’s beautiful and exclusive design for sex and purity. Any misplaced or wrong ideas that came from Purity Culture are not a reflection on Scripture, but rather on what happens when we misinterpret or do not apply Scripture correctly.

In an effort to respond to the sexual revolution of the 60’s and 70’s, many people promoting the “purity culture” movement didn’t have bad intentions. And “Purity Culture” didn’t necessarily teach all bad things. Abstinence prior to marriage and sexual purity are GOOD and Biblical! But we must teach the full picture of God’s design rather than one rule. When encouraging Biblical standards, a discipleship relationship and consistent time in Scripture is always better than a one-time signed commitment.

Based on our discussion of Purity Culture, how should we teach youth proper Biblical standards of purity? What may have been lacking from “purity culture”?

Making it Practical:

Let’s check in with our friend Julie, a young woman who is deconstructing her faith that we’ve been talking to in this series. Julie says she has trauma from purity culture. She feels like the teachings in youth group on modesty and abstinence were unfair and unrealistic. When she wears something showing off her body and gets attention, she feels guilty and thinks that if it wasn’t for purity culture, she would not feel shame about her body. Julie feels angry towards Christians because of purity culture. How would you respond?

My suggestion? If I were in this conversation, I would encourage Julie to share the specific teachings or messages that she struggles with. Writing them down would be a great start. Next, address each teaching by going to Scripture. Helping her see what the Bible actually says about sexuality and God’s design for it will help her think through any messages that may have been twisted or even against Scripture. Hopefully this post gives you a starting point.

In my opinion, Purity Culture has too many pitfalls to try to defend it. Even though some good things may have come out of it, focus your defense on God’s design for sexuality from Scripture rather than an imperfect, man-made movement.

Remind Julie of her intrinsic value and worth that comes from her being created in God’s image—something we talked about that starts at the beginning of Genesis! Help her understand that it is only by living according to God’s design that she will be content. And it is only through the Gospel that she will experience true freedom, which will cover any mistakes, trauma, lies, or anger she may be carrying.